Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
