Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
