apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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