you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
These tits shall not be calmed
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
