I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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