I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
