Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
