mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
