she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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