He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
