May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
