its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
