i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
