They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My life is pants optional.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
