Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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