are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
