This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
