she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
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