I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
