took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
