I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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