Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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