I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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