five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
