dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
