Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
