And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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