I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
