I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Farmville is her only friend.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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