Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
