did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
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