I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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