Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
