you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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