Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
