Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
