I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
