I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
