I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
