Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
