I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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