Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
