Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
