I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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