If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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