he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
