How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
