i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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