I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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