cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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