I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
